10 Fun Ways to be Vulgar in a Formal Environment

[Originally posted to Tumblr in "Solving Cubes" on Feb 20, 2013]

Tonight at a formal gathering in a formal setting, I remembered how much I dislike being dressed up and expected to act like a dainty woman. Never do I want to plop down and let it all hang out more than when I’m all dolled up and standing around in heels, trying to make small talk.

So I compensate by acting vulgar, obviously in settings where I can get away with it. The following are some things I’ve tried or convinced others to try. Having friends who are horrible people is handy, if not essential, for many of these. Also, the hilarity doubles if you’re in a place where you know you will never see most of the people ever again.

10 fun ways to be vulgar in a formal environment:

1) If you’re a chick, spread your legs while sitting. Bound to be funny no matter what you’re wearing, but dresses really provide a challenge of will power.

2) If you’re a dude, find a large, solid piece of food - like a pomegranate or a dragon fruit - and stick it in your pants. Leave it there, and act natural. See how many people think you’ve committed a boner to one side.

3) Do the Sad Jesus:

- motorcyclingintheusa.com

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- fineartamerica.com

4) Burp as if you have no idea it’s considered impolite. Stop your sentences to do so and never excuse a thing.

5) If there’s music, air hump people like it’s the only move you’ve got. Straight face, like you mean it. Also fun to do without music.

6) Pick up some chopsticks, pretend to play piano with them, and sing the Siamese Cat’s section of “Everybody Wants to Be a Cat” in Disney’s The Aristocats:

“Shanghai Hong Kong egg foo yung
Fortune cookie always wrong”

- thereelbits.com

7) Play the penis game with a friend. Saying “pianist” or using other languages is fun, too.

8) Note how you can’t wait to birth the food baby incubating in your belly. Describe how you anticipate the experience to be.

9) Go out of your way to curse in front of children.

10) Use what you know about animal mating habits as a conversation starter. For example, female hyenas have large, penile clitorises; male ducks have corkscrewed penises in order to rape females; and the only time tortoises ever use their vocal cords is when they make sex moans.

Hope these are helpful. I find most of these particularly funny for women to do, but it depends who you are. Please share some of your own ideas!